NUHA’S DIARY: January-February Entries

Ten months ago, Niko broke my heart. My agony has been ceaseless, and my will to face my everyday life is deteriorating. I feel like I lost pieces of myself to the heartbreak. Niko and I used to talk about everything, he’s my dearest friend but he practically abandoned me.

But in theatre terms, THE SHOW MUST GO ON!

I may love Niko for the rest of my life but I can’t moon over him forever.

That’s the purpose of this journal! To reflect on my feelings and build myself back up again.

What Are MY GOALS? What are MY PASSIONS? Who is NUHA?

• I’ve been struggling to finish my degree. Maybe I need to focus *(less) on my dead-end retail job and take my studies much more seriously so I can become a journalist.

• I used to be creative. I did paintings and photography and poetry. Now I’m just a pit of sadness. I should try get that back!

• I used to love cooking, but it’s taken me months to even get in the flow of eating again. I know it’s a problem when I spiral into a deep state of melancholia, I punish my own body.

I ended up messaging Cyra, Isabel and Mel to see if they wanted to come over for dinner. I set up a three-course meal dinner party for us for the 27th. When high school ended, we used to put in the effort to see each other on a weekly basis. But then life happened for all of them, now I’m lucky if I get to see even one of them more than three times a year. Perhaps it’s a bit ambitious to plan a monthly dinner, but at least we agreed on the 27th!

Since it’s mid-summer, I’m thinking of using lots of produce and having a red theme.

• *Entrée: nectarine salad with corn, rocket, balsamic and burrata.

• Main: pasta with raw tomatoes. Either I’ll use braised duck or prawns.

• Dessert: cherry-ripe inspired tiramisu.

• rose-gold tableware, pink gingham mats OR white table cloth, red napkins.

Cyra was the only one to show up! Mel forgot and Isabel never answered my messages. I’m lucky my siblings were around to eat all the food I made. Even so, I don’t care about the food! If I wanted to have tiramisu or make pasta from scratch, I’d just do that without the stupid dinner party!

They didn’t show up. I always *manoeuvre myself like clay to the potter just to make myself available and they can’t show up to ONE FUCKING DINNER! But I guess that’s what happens when everyone else has a life. They’re moving forward constantly and I’m stagnant. I have been since maybe high school and I graduated… six years ago. But it’s not like my life was glamorous then either. I didn’t party, I didn’t get high, I never kissed anyone or dated any boys/girls/people. I haven’t even finished uni. I have nothing to show but wasted time

‍ ‍ …

I can’t sleep. I’ve had this one epiphany that keeps ruminating in my head. My life isn’t mine. I’m wasting away at my job, my love for Niko, who is thriving in his personal life, while I’m suffused with bad luck. I don’t do what I’m passionate about, I accompany my siblings who have actual lives.

So I’ve been thinking… what do I want?

• A place of my own

• To live like I’m in a coming-of-age movie (impossible)

• To travel.

• To make meaningful connections

I looked at housing around my uni. There’s a house nearby and the rent is cheap. Looks like there’s five other residents who’ll move in soon. It may not be a place of my own but it beats mooching off my parents. I’m beginning this life of mine.

Today I moved into my dorm.

My application was accepted last week. The first person I told was Niko. He was outside on his break when I arrived at work, it’s the first time in a long time that we had a moment to talk the way we used to. Niko had this look of pride, he’s happy I’m moving forward with my life. Telling my dad was the daunting task. He was furious, it’s not traditional in Arab culture for a young girl to move out before marriage. He’s worried I’ll end up in financial ruin, but I’m determined to ensure that doesn’t happen. Ultimately, he thinks I’m growing too fast, but I think it’s in the opposite direction of where he wants me to grow.

‍ ‍ …

The house is an old building by the pond. I walked in to a familiar musky, antique smell and Madonna songs blasting through the halls. Finding the source, I knocked on a beige door and was let in to the room belonging to Giorgios. The tall, bleach-blond man was jamming out alongside Kurt, who’s scruffy, rockstar appearance didn’t match his enjoyment of a synth-pop song. But between Giorgios’ pink kicks and Kurt’s flannel shirt, their style is from another decade.

Socialising with the two, we heard another knock. Giorgios opened the door to James. This prepossessing man had an appearance that’s completely timeless, I’m reminded of every bad-boy trope I’ve seen and has graced television over the last 70 years. He had this cool-guy aura surrounding him, it’s curious, deadly, beautiful, mesmerising. Haunting. Not that I think of him in any peculiar way, I’m just intrigued. I said hello but he returned it in a way that I’m not sure if he’s hesitant, shy or hostile.

Cheryl helped me unpack. This pretty girl in bell-bottom jeans and mini crop-tops revealed to me that she’s a major book-worm! She’s re-reading Wuthering Heights, a book I read once in high school. I told Cheryl that I’ve been meaning to but I haven’t touched a book in years. She told me I can borrow one of her books if I like. After packing, I made dinner with the ingredients I had on hand, finding a sweaty boy with a beamsome smile looking in the fridge. Dylan revealed he came back from a day of hiking. He talked about some of his adventures. I’ve always wanted to go out more. Dylan is willing to let me join in on one of his surfing days or go with him kayaking or hiking. I was reminded of Niko, I think those two would get along. But then again, Niko gets along with everyone.

‍ ‍ ….

Giorgios came to me as I was sitting alone in my room. He seemed wary, but invited me to join the others in watching Back to the Future. Only me, Giorgios and Kurt have seen it. This led to them revealing something to me that I still don’t know if I could believe it. They’re all from the past.

James is from 1957

‍ ‍ Dylan is from 1969

‍ ‍ Cheryl is from 1974

‍ ‍ Giorgios is from 1985

‍ ‍ Kurt is from 1994

They all had the same pocket watch which allowed them to move through time. But eventually, unless provided reason to stay, they all must return to their respective timelines. They all had a common interest, to live in a world where they authentically be themselves. They did some paper work to secure accommodation and to continue/transfer their degrees into this timeline, with any major complications.

I think the fact we all ended up in the same place, even though there’s no reason five time-travellers ended up in the same house and university besides pure coincidence, it’s all very cosmic. It’s almost like fate. Giorgios told James, “ I told you she’d be happy to befriend us”, revealing that James was hesitant about me. I wasn’t sure about him too, but sitting together, making comments about the movie, it made me feel settled. All of us get along like a house on fire. I thought to myself, “it’s going to be alright.”

February 26:

When we all moved in, we talked about cooking together as a house. After two weeks, Giorgios pointed out that this hadn’t happened yet, but was met with a shrug from the others. Dylan mentioned a roadside diner that he and James drove past the other day, apparently the milkshakes are amazing. The whole household headed down to grab a bite. I ordered chips for the table and a cheese burger and blue heaven shake for myself. Kurt and James split onion rings between them. Those two have gotten especially close, even splitting their grocery bills. Giorgios played “Like a Virgin” on the jukebox, lip-syncing to it in a theatrical manner. Kurt joined him and most of us laughed, James was midly annoyed by the music.

February 27:

Giorgios had been meaning to purchase a vinyl copy of Breaking Hearts, leading to him, James, Dylan and Kurt and myself to go to the record store. Being a modern woman, I’ve never stepped foot in one before, but I do recall its resurgence when I was in high school. James surprised me with his interest in folk music. He had such a smouldering look that I never took him to enjoy acoustic sounds. Giorgios, who prides himself in being a music-lover isn’t much of a fan of folk music. Kurt however, who’s taste is very versitile, is also a big folk music fan. Dylan said he likes it but is more interested in artists like The Doors or The Beach Boys. Kurt and James sang “I Know Where I’m Going”. I don’t know the song, so I couldn’t bond over their excitement for the genre. Giorgios put on Cyndi Lauper, Kurt in all his versitility, rocked out with him. James could only tolerate one song before asking them to turn it off. Kurt brushed this off but Giorgios’ silence shared that of a kid who’s birthday was spoiled by their younger sibling but is trying to be gracious about it. We left the record store with Giorgios purchasing two vinyls, one being his desired Elton John album and the other being Dookie, Kurt’s favourite album.

Today, 11:58pm

February 28:

A horrible development has occured!

Last week, James expressed that he wanted to get takeout fried chicken. There’s a good fried chicken shop near my work, so I offered to pick it up for him after I finish my shift. It was the first time he and I had ever spent time together, at least one-on-one time. We both admitted we found the other intriguing, in the sense we don’t know how to interpret each other. James told me that everyone finds him disarming, but that’s not how I see him. No, I though his aura, his demeanour was simply odd. Like a noise at the end of the hall that could just be the tick of an antique clock or the squeak of a sinister beast. But as I’ve come to know him, I found him rather charming, in a quirky way. He’s very structured in his eating habits and finances, even making contracts with himself. But his worldview is anything but, in a way that makes me admire his reverie. These factors make him a complete paradox.

Ever since, I’ve found myself considering him when it’s completely unreasonable to do so. When purchasing snacks, I remembered James loves milk chocolate freckles. I thought about how happy he’d be, so I bought some. It wasn’t ‘til I got home that I asked myself, “Why would I buy him freckles?” But I just left the question hanging there, as if James’ eyes weren’t luminescent as they always are when he smiles and I wasn’t hoping to receive that enraptured expression.

But earlier this evening, I arrived home from work to a house engulfed in shadows and deafening silence. Everyone had gone to the cinemas - they did mention that this morning. I cooked dinner and went to my room to study. But one thought tapped like the rain beggining against my window. That thought is James. I didn’t care about being cold and drenched, I went for a brisk walk outside to clear my mind.

One thing we all agreed on, on our very first night, is that we’re not allowed to date each other. I’m still hung up on Niko so that shouldn’t be a problem. But I think I might also like James. UGH! I need to rid myself of these feelings! Time and space, need to let this fade. It’s just too bad, I was really looking forward to getting closer with everyone, especially James. But I may need to keep my distance. If I keep falling for him, I’m doomed!